we're wasting memories

Oh believe me baby, I...

Sunday, March 27, 2011 3:51 pm

I haven't exactly been the greatest updater of blogs around, it's like I've lost my interest in writing about day-to-day life. Or perhaps it's because my job requires me to write, so I'm satisfied in the writing department that I do not need to shelve out more time to fill up space here.

In any case, I'm proud to say that I am a poly graduate now! I'm technically pretty much confirmed that I will be going to Melbourne, but somehow the thought of uprooting and moving to a new place (a new continent even) just grips me so hard. The prospect of living on my own is tempting, but am I able to sacrifice my creature comforts and try to man up and become independent? I believe that I have a great small group of friends that will be there to back me up, but I was never one for HUGE change like this.

My cousins did it though. They flew all the way to US largely on their own, with personalities to match the country they were in, and look where they are now. I don't exactly have the mindset they do, but I really want this, I really do.

I want to explore the world, make new friends. I want to throw myself out there, and be a better person because of it. I hope to get myself caught up in the joys of the moment, but something deep down in me is stopping me. It's making me look up and realise that I cannot manage this. It's sowing this doubt in me that's growing and taking control of my vital organs. Now that's a dark force.

In the meanwhile, I'll just continue with my internship~ and see how things goes.

BE MORE CONFIDENT. BE MORE THICK-SKINNED. MORE GUNG-HO and DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE MAY THINK OF YOU. That's how you'll survive.

Friday, March 18, 2011 1:36 am

Lately I feel like I have been making all the wrong choices. I may have this opportunity in my hands, but suddenly so many better ones are flying past me like I'm invisible or something. I can't let the one in my hands go, because I'm not confident of catching the ones that are passing me by. God must have the plan for me mapped out, I have to believe that and stick to what I have. Be contented, is that not what is always preached?

2.
Have you had this feeling of helplessness, especially in your social life? I think part of the reason why I can never seem to have a friend to stick through thick and thin together is because I can't seem to connect in that deeper level with someone else, like best friends do. Is it part of my personality? Or just my inability to socialise? Or do both mean the same?

I feel like I can't relate to them because I do things differently; Do birds of the same feather really flock better together? I think that notion has become clearer to me today.

I mean, how else would you be able to explain my sense of loss at the fact that this group is somehow bonded over the same matters, and I can't seem to fit or mould myself into that group, because I don't have the characteristics that are similar within that group?

You probably are confuddled out of your mind by now. But it finally makes sense to me.

It's so difficult trying to fit into something that's already solid and a whole. How do you do that? I tried, but I couldn't find any similarities, and it's causing me intense frustration and I can't help feeling envious because they all have those qualities which I obviously don't have. And it makes it easier for them to connect on those levels, but I can't relate at all.

I can't break into the line they already formed. I don't have that thick a skin to actually squeeze my fat self into that tiny gap - so I just have to keep walking behind, and you know, little by little I'm sort of breaking away from that line, and falling behind. Soon I'll be on the outside looking in. Actually it already feels that way.

Oh god I'm so not in a positive mood today. :(

Let me drown my sorrows, but even that won't satisfy.

Glee Cast - Bills, Bills, Bills

Friday, March 04, 2011 11:01 am

Third month into 2011. Oh my, how time flies.