Today my thoughts suddenly went to counting the number of days I had left to live. I then felt quite bummed for the rest of the day because it was 10. 10 more days. I don't know what to expect. I'm even coming up with grocery lists right now...

And then we all get invited to go to this introductory steamboat gathering. I like that they chose a venue close to heart and home. The truth is, we can't go all the way to another country and expect their natives to accept us for who we are. That's why we have this group, so that we will feel welcome and assist us in settling down for the next two years in Melbourne. It's a good thing to go to and meet some new friends.  I just hope that people will like me, you know? I'm not someone who initiates a conversation, and I find myself second guessing what people think of me, I think I've said this before. Oh well, I should just be myself, my skin is thicker (after that SPH stint I think)... or so I hope.

x

Nothing more than an a week has passed, bringing us closer to "that fateful day". And THE DAY is all anyone around me can talk about these days, which only serves to amplify the uncertainty I feel about the biggest decision I have made in my life, ever. 


I am a homebody, I admit that. A perfect evening for me would be just hanging around at home, lazing on the couch or chilling with the 'rents and a lousy nightly drama serial on the telly. That particular scene is something I have come to take for granted, now that I look back upon my wayward days. Leaving home was never a concrete plan for me until about three months ago.


The real suckerpunch for me was when I started filling up that luggage. You would think it would have been when I handed up the money for the tuition year. That didn't really sink in. You would think it would have been when I started looking at foreign exchange rates and heading to the local money changer to switch some cash to Aussie dollars.  You would have thought it was when I attended the pre-departure seminar and got to hear from current students and meeting unfamiliar and familiar faces. (Well, that did get me in the guts a little) I realised just how unprepared I was when I suddenly had all these things I had to pack into that rectangular trolley. 


It didn't seem like much when I had dumped whatever I saw fit in a month ago. I just started folding and compressing half of it today and that's when it hit me. I'm bringing 3/4 of my life down under for two years. ALONE. With no family. I have a couple of friends but when the homesickness kicks in, you only want for that soft bed with the homey smell. 


I kind of started to take in the sights and smells around me more accurately these days. I look at the little marker spot on the table, or the Christmas hat (a gift from a friend) hanging over the bed, long and intently, as if looking at it long enough would make me remember it more. I know I will miss everything here. I know for a fact that this is where I should be. But I also know that leaving is something I should do as well. 


I try to ask myself if this is correct. It feels right sometimes. Other times, I just hate that I have to go.


Maybe my fear is being accepted. It would be better if I knew what was expected of me, or what I would be getting. Thing is, I don't, and that's half a battle lost with myself. 


The Green Lantern taught me: Will is stronger than fear. But I'm not fearless. I cannot ever be fearless I think. What is important is how we harness that fear and put it into positive thinking. I should practice my skills on that I suppose.


Hate that everything anyone can ask nowadays is "When are you going?" "Have you finished packing?" "How long is the course?" "How long will you be gone?" "Where are you staying?" "So, are you excited?"


Yes I am equal parts excited and equal parts uncertain and afraid okay?




Goodness gracious, just stop talking about it, I don't want to be reminded of this. (I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful brat who doesn't want to go. I just do not like the leaving process. It's okay if I leave without seeing how others will react. It's okay. But if they are there, they only serve as reasons why I should not go, and that is something I do not want to look at at the departure gate.)

Don't Let Me Go (The Click Five cover) by foldedmemos

This particular song spoke out to me a little more than usual. It's about human trafficking, in countries less developed than ours. The rate of trafficking is abnormally high, and there's so much we can do to actually help reduce it, if not stop it. I do have to applaud TC5 for being involved with such a cause as this, and it just goes to show that applied right, celebrities can actually make a difference. Just like how McFly is involved with Eyes Alight and Comic Relief. :) Generous hearts make me feel inferior and make me feel that I should give back to charity, even to that student holding that tin can (who really doesn't want to be there). Been there, done that. It's actually quite fun. :)

x

The surprise trip back to the office at 8pm at night was practically on a whim and unforeseen. I was pretty much knocked out by the whole day's proceedings, including waking up at an ungodly hour of 8am. :'( Went through a pre-departure seminar, which only sought to enforce the reality that I'm really leaving Singapore in less than a month. I seriously do not want to count down to the day I fly off. God, please make sure I don't cry, but I guess even you can't control my tear ducts. :'(

Then I spent a freaking bomb at the new F21 outlet at Orchard Xchange. I hate that place now. I will never go back. I wish I had the ability to control my urges to spend money when I'm out. This has been my biggest spending amount to date at a fashion outlet, shit.

Hate that I'm not working yet though.

Will scan polaroids tomorrow, I'm off to bed. xx

Not many people can get a job that they once dreamt of, and actually like doing. The level of passion in these people might very well top everyone else's. In searching for something we all would love to do, we might find other areas to keep ourselves occupied, but are we truly happy?

---

Caught a couple of movies this past week, X-Men:First Class with my mom and sis, and Something Borrowed with Ky. I can feel myself gravitating more towards action flicks now, is it a sign that I have grown up, or just that I'm jaded by Hollywood's perception and portrayal of romance plus comedy? It all ends up the same - the guy gets the girl, vice versa. So the process to getting there is most definitely the gist of the story. X-Men:First Class was soooooo good though - Nicholas Hoult definitely played well as the awkward geeky scientist, and James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender as Prof X and Magneto respectively, I don't think I could think of anyone better to fit that role. I like how they used a great dose of humour in the process, because the scenes would have been just a lull if no humour was used. And it was also cool to see Fassbender (who acts so serious all the time), play nice. Brings a whole new dimension to the character Magneto.

Anyway, am trying to make the most of the next few weeks by sleeping till noon++ and doing nothing - which is pissing off almost everybody, and myself, because I want to be up doing things. GRR. Setting the alarm tomorrow damn it.

xx

One month from today, I'll probably be on a flight alone, flying over 3600 miles to a continent that's in the shape of an eraser I have. Melbourne, seems like an entity I am so distant with, yet will come to be surrounded by come July.

Oh my god when it starts to finally sink in (it hasn't yet... much), I think I might freak out. It's such a huge change, and even though I'll be coming back for Chinese New Year, who's to say nothing much will happen when I'm there?

Socially, will I be able to get accepted by the peers I will come to befriend? Academically, will I be able to keep up with what is being taught?

I have heard of some horror stories from a couple of people who said they had had friends who couldn't get over the culture shock, and just quit after half or one semester...
And then there are those who actually manage to stay, but get too distracted by the bright lights and city life that they lose interest in what they are studying.

But I know I have great friends back home that will be there to encourage me should I feel that I'm falling... so I'm not as scared. After all, I'm a Sagittarius right - we love travelling and discovering new things!

AND I'm supposed to be an extrovert, which I'm unfortunately not (THERE YET), so I have to work harder! But the times I've tried being nice and friendly and taking the initiative and making the first move, I got a clinger -.-, so that dampens my spirits a little bit. :s

In any case, I'm off to watch my weekly McFly documentary (McFly on the Wall), wooo~

xx

 So we've graduated.  Whatever got me thinking of that?! So I've concluded my stint with one of the major newspaper companies here. I have learnt so much this past nine months, and I have to say that not a lot of people can get this amazing opportunity to gain some exposure there, so I'm really pretty grateful for it, however much I complain about it. And though the first four to five months were pretty much self-reliant and me wallowing in despair because of the lack of camaraderie I was having with colleagues and all, with them being older and wiser than me... I finally found great work friends. Obviously they are friends outside work too, but they are the ones who understand the most of what I have to go through, because they are on the same boat. The fattest one must leave though, the boat is leaking! >:(

So to celebrate their last days and my second last (*rolls eyes*), we went to Acid Bar at Peranakan Place. Last went there a week back with who else but KY, Alan, WY and Eugene, sans Angella (sadly). Of course, drama came in the form of KY puking, but that night was pretty much great fun!

This time I went with Melly, Melho and H~ weeeee <3 Happy hour drinks and drunken talk. No one vomited thank god.

Never had an artistic bone in my body, so every time I try to make a farewell, best-of-luck-to-you card, I start with a vision in my mind, and let myself down every time I see the end product. But you got to make do with what you have I suppose. Well, the cards are for friends so they'll have to make do. Ha!

I am first and foremost a galaxy defender.
If there's 3 words to describe me, it would be:
mcfly, cameras and travelling.
I have an unhealthy obsession with waffles and teh tarik.
I love acoustic sounds - and I sing.
Also a proud #brookster - Joe Brooks certified!
2012 is going to be the best yet, just wait and see.


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Drown
Last time we went swimming
the sea stood up and hugged you
as though you were responsible
for keeping it blue
Copyright © 2011 Bianca Stewart


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