we're wasting memories

post 1,111:

Friday, July 29, 2011 10:47 pm

I sat here for awhile, thinking about how I should have started my post. Wrote a couple of words, deleted them. Wrote again, and backspaced again.

This notion of self-censoring my thoughts, am I afraid of letting people how I truly feel?

In actual fact, I'm feeling a little alone. More than a little if you dig deeper. I miss home, but I don't want to sound like a brat who keeps wailing about how she misses everything back home, because I want to be here. I chose to be here. I will need to adjust to being here. And also because if this tendency to whine continues on, I might as well have not decided to fly off in the first place, y'know what I mean?

Haven't talked to the 'rents in a couple of days via Skype, so maybe that's what brought on the melancholia. The connection seriously sucks, and I keep getting cut off, and I get so frustrated sometimes because I just want to say what I'm feeling, but then I'm not sure if they are receiving it on the other end... Ugh, technology really should be more advanced here in Australia.

And also, I think I might have to be more outspoken in tutorials. I don't want to lose out - so many things are on the line for me to do well here. It's crazy. If I wasn't too fussed about it, I would have just gone to NTU. So many ifs.

The self-pity might also be because I just finished watching Harry Potter today. Deathly Hallows Part 2 - IT ALL ENDS. How foreboding. I had high hopes for this one, I'll admit it. I bet anyone would have had high expectations. Acting-wise, it was brilliant. Everyone played their part well. But so many things were left out. Tiny details maybe, but it affected the whole experience for me. I honestly think so... Not so much a problem if it wasn't the last one of the series, but it was and the word to sum it all up was - underwhelming. The deaths of Lupin and Tonks, of Fred and Snape, even Voldemort... all were treated with such shallow undertaking. It was more epic when I was reading it, imagining the whole scenario.

And I suppose that is one thing visuals can never ever compete with - that is, the imagination. I would assume that everyone's mind thinks differently, and thus when reading the same text, would come up with various versions of how the scene went down. I wouldn't want to know any of that. What is precious is my own version, and how I can keep that alive. The mind is such a beautiful, complex object of our body. How through words, we construct mental images of grandeur and tranquility, of vulnerability and sadness... emotions also seem to be pulled into the picture there.

10 years. It's been a long ride, and I guess in 19 years, this will all be remade again, and hopefully, they will do a better job of it.

Labels: harry potter, life, reflection

doomsday, or is it?

Sunday, July 24, 2011 10:24 pm

Hearing the recent spate of news of the bombings in Oslo, Norway, as well as the massacre that also happened in Norway just got me thinking once again about the fragility of life. I cannot begin to imagine what the victims and survivors as well as their loved ones must be going through right now. As a bystander, I can only read about it and try to be emphatic about it, but it's hardly enough. The emotional turmoil in the minds of those directly affected by the tragedy is inexplicable.

On to more personal issues, I start school tomorrow. It feels so surreal and natural to be entering into the institutionalised learning process again. I believe it will be vastly different from what I have come to know as lectures and tutorials in polytechnic in Singapore. The major difference is that this is Australia, people are more opinionated and proactive about letting others know what they are thinking... so I kind of have to compete with that a little bit. No pressure, but just saying that the gnawing feeling of being judged is constantly at the back of my mind.

These two weeks of settling in have been wonderful. I mean, I probably would have gotten a bigger culture shock if I had arrived today and was to go to school tomorrow... nasty.

But the system here is hardly the same from that of Singapore - which is easier to understand, and they had more guidance. Guess I have to slowly learn to be weaned off the silver spoon the education system in Singapore had us up to our mouths in. Don't even know if that previous sentence made sense or not.

Anyway, I will post a more detailed one about what I have done so far, but not today... Today I rest. I recharge. Tomorrow, I enter the next two years of my university life with gusto and optimism... or so I hope HAHA.

I'm trying but I don't think it's working.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 3:06 pm

So I think it's time to detach myself from familiarity and head down into the unknown. Explore a little bit. I mean, I made a huge decision coming here to study. It's only into a week and I'm starting to feel discouraged by the prospects. Is it too early? I guess so. I think I may need more time. I will find my footing. Or so my mom says.

I want to believe her, and the words of encouragement from those concerned about me.

But it's hard because I have a doubting heart. I doubt myself constantly. Every second, every minute, every day. I largely try to push it out of my conscious, but it still hangs around in the sub-conscious.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Am I sharing too little about myself? Should I be rambling on, finding new topics to segue into when another runs dry? All I know is the middle is not the place for me, I shouldn't settle for the middle. Never the middle, especially when it's in the middle of familiarity. Pushing boundaries must be my new motto.

I can do this. I have a thick skin right? Eight months of internship should have trained me to be prepared for this. I know I can do this.

But I don't really see any incentive of you being my friend - I don't think I'm a good friend. I am judgemental, lacking focus in conversations, forgetful, irked by the simplest of things - every flaw I can think of, it's there.

I don't need anybody telling me why they are friends with me I realise. The cliched "it's me, not you" is probably quite apt here. The problem's with me - there's something wrong with me and I'm still figuring it out.

But anyway, I'll try not to repress feelings. Smile, chin up, and I'll get through this huh? Optimism was never my forte in this field of friend-making.

Maybe I'm just a jealous bitch who will grow old and die alone.

reflex.

Sunday, July 10, 2011 1:55 am

Not sure if it is my body protesting, but I've been having stomach upsets after dinner. Plus the week-long cough-flu has been persistently clinging onto me, no wonder my parents keep telling me to get well soon. I know they worry, I do.

Maybe it's the nerves that kind of brought on the stomachache... oh my god I can't go there while I'm not in best form. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Of all days to fall ill, when I had a whole month prior to departure to fall ill, it had to be the week and then the day before.

It's a sign. I should not think of leaving. I should stay home.

Ugh, hating myself and my weak build. I will start exercising more (by walking) when I get there.

I keep looking back the past couple of weeks and wondering how many times I have actually thought about this moment, right now, that I am in. How many times have I envisioned myself in this position? Countless I believe, but not one time have I ever thought I would feel so... nervous. Life's unpredictable you know, but one thing's for sure. Family will be missed. I keep telling myself that it's only going to be for six months, and then I'll make my way back for a break... think of it as an extended holiday, one where I go learn new things. Don't think it's helping much though.

Six months is a long time, no matter how fast it will pass. I do not like the thoughts that night brings. It's the copious amounts of loneliness and thoughts of what-will-happen and what-has-happened. The regret that creeps up unto you, taking you by a stronghold...

I don't want to think about who will be there to send me off. To be honest, I just want to go alone, if anything. Maybe the second time I fly off, I might allow people; I'm just not used to being the one who leaves. Leaving has always been the job for others in my life... hasn't it ALWAYS? Nobody really gets it. All I know is, this feeling is not the right one for me to wrap myself around it.

And to see all these faces eyeing me as I head into the "next chapter of my life", with no turning back, is it worth it, really, the time I will miss with them? How will my life change without them, and theirs without me? It's easier if you don't see them almost every other week; but for the ones I face every, single, day... I can't. I can't bring myself to let them out of my sight... even if it isn't forever. THEN WHAT ABOUT FOREVER?

Adapting is one thing, surviving is another. I don't know what to expect. But I know that at least I have someone I know. If I had to go this alone, I probably would have backed out a long time ago.

Fuck, I better not bawl tomorrow night - teary eyes are okay. But bawling - you better toughen up and cry all you want now, but NOT THEN, you stupid girl. Intense emotions are better kept to oneself.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011 10:38 pm

Je déteste attendre...
I hate waiting...

The moments leading up to said event that I've been waiting for... possibly for the last 19 years... see me in turmoil. Half-excited, yet that much more not being able to detach myself from the familiarity I have built my life upon. To uproot and plant myself in foreign soil (puns all intended). Not as much scared now as I will be when I cross the immigration border and look back one last time.

My mom was telling me of the time my aunt flew to America all alone a long time ago. She was so excited that she forgot to turn back to look at the people she was leaving behind. And it wasn't as if it was affordable to fly back on a whim like it is now (still isn't actually). It may be funny now, but I get it. The excitement can overwhelm you on the first few hours, until you get accustomed or unaccustomed to it all, and just want to jump back on the next flight home. I was asked if I would actually turn back and get a last look.

For the voices in my head that will tell me to turn around, I don't think I will. My reasoning is this: if I were to turn back, I would be looking at all the reasons to NOT go, and since I have already decided to take this step, there really isn't any point in reminiscing.

That and I think looking back will make me bawl harder.

Haha, and for all the plans for my LAST week... I'm practically incapacitated by a flu/fever/headache/cough/sore throat. 好来不来，偏偏这时候才来，真是莫名其妙。。。

The neighbourhood cat I'll be missing when I'm gone. Apparently it's only 7 months old and was abandoned by heartless cat owners.

Had sushi buffet with Ky, Angella, Weiying and Alan on Saturday night I think? Before that we played LAN for an hour (Ky & Alan) It was damn fail haha, but I had fun! The sushi buffet was an epic disaster, seeing as how we ordered more than our poor stomachs could handle, and had to mash stuff up to hide so that we wouldn't be charged for wastage... I was thinking if I could have taken some salmon home for the little kitty, but no...

Friends!

Salmon which I do not eat.

Friends!

Me enjoying my bacon wrapped asparagus, it was delicious, don't understand why nobody liked it.

And friends! Angella took this, or was it?

Anyway, fab week fab week!