we're wasting memories

unsettling thoughts, loiter in the recesses of the concious mind.

Sunday, June 26, 2011 10:51 pm

Nothing more than an a week has passed, bringing us closer to "that fateful day". And THE DAY is all anyone around me can talk about these days, which only serves to amplify the uncertainty I feel about the biggest decision I have made in my life, ever.

I am a homebody, I admit that. A perfect evening for me would be just hanging around at home, lazing on the couch or chilling with the 'rents and a lousy nightly drama serial on the telly. That particular scene is something I have come to take for granted, now that I look back upon my wayward days. Leaving home was never a concrete plan for me until about three months ago.

The real suckerpunch for me was when I started filling up that luggage. You would think it would have been when I handed up the money for the tuition year. That didn't really sink in. You would think it would have been when I started looking at foreign exchange rates and heading to the local money changer to switch some cash to Aussie dollars. You would have thought it was when I attended the pre-departure seminar and got to hear from current students and meeting unfamiliar and familiar faces. (Well, that did get me in the guts a little) I realised just how unprepared I was when I suddenly had all these things I had to pack into that rectangular trolley.

It didn't seem like much when I had dumped whatever I saw fit in a month ago. I just started folding and compressing half of it today and that's when it hit me. I'm bringing 3/4 of my life down under for two years. ALONE. With no family. I have a couple of friends but when the homesickness kicks in, you only want for that soft bed with the homey smell.

I kind of started to take in the sights and smells around me more accurately these days. I look at the little marker spot on the table, or the Christmas hat (a gift from a friend) hanging over the bed, long and intently, as if looking at it long enough would make me remember it more. I know I will miss everything here. I know for a fact that this is where I should be. But I also know that leaving is something I should do as well.

I try to ask myself if this is correct. It feels right sometimes. Other times, I just hate that I have to go.

Maybe my fear is being accepted. It would be better if I knew what was expected of me, or what I would be getting. Thing is, I don't, and that's half a battle lost with myself.

The Green Lantern taught me: Will is stronger than fear. But I'm not fearless. I cannot ever be fearless I think. What is important is how we harness that fear and put it into positive thinking. I should practice my skills on that I suppose.

Hate that everything anyone can ask nowadays is "When are you going?" "Have you finished packing?" "How long is the course?" "How long will you be gone?" "Where are you staying?" "So, are you excited?"

Yes I am equal parts excited and equal parts uncertain and afraid okay?

Goodness gracious, just stop talking about it, I don't want to be reminded of this. (I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful brat who doesn't want to go. I just do not like the leaving process. It's okay if I leave without seeing how others will react. It's okay. But if they are there, they only serve as reasons why I should not go, and that is something I do not want to look at at the departure gate.)