I'm trying but I don't think it's working.
So I think it's time to detach myself from familiarity and head down into the unknown. Explore a little bit. I mean, I made a huge decision coming here to study. It's only into a week and I'm starting to feel discouraged by the prospects. Is it too early? I guess so. I think I may need more time. I will find my footing. Or so my mom says.
I want to believe her, and the words of encouragement from those concerned about me.
But it's hard because I have a doubting heart. I doubt myself constantly. Every second, every minute, every day. I largely try to push it out of my conscious, but it still hangs around in the sub-conscious.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Am I sharing too little about myself? Should I be rambling on, finding new topics to segue into when another runs dry? All I know is the middle is not the place for me, I shouldn't settle for the middle. Never the middle, especially when it's in the middle of familiarity. Pushing boundaries must be my new motto.
I can do this. I have a thick skin right? Eight months of internship should have trained me to be prepared for this. I know I can do this.
But I don't really see any incentive of you being my friend - I don't think I'm a good friend. I am judgemental, lacking focus in conversations, forgetful, irked by the simplest of things - every flaw I can think of, it's there.
I don't need anybody telling me why they are friends with me I realise. The cliched "it's me, not you" is probably quite apt here. The problem's with me - there's something wrong with me and I'm still figuring it out.
But anyway, I'll try not to repress feelings. Smile, chin up, and I'll get through this huh? Optimism was never my forte in this field of friend-making.
Maybe I'm just a jealous bitch who will grow old and die alone.
The conversation's getting stale
If you won't point it out, then I will