we're wasting memories

reflex.

Sunday, July 10, 2011 1:55 am

Not sure if it is my body protesting, but I've been having stomach upsets after dinner. Plus the week-long cough-flu has been persistently clinging onto me, no wonder my parents keep telling me to get well soon. I know they worry, I do.

Maybe it's the nerves that kind of brought on the stomachache... oh my god I can't go there while I'm not in best form. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Of all days to fall ill, when I had a whole month prior to departure to fall ill, it had to be the week and then the day before.

It's a sign. I should not think of leaving. I should stay home.

Ugh, hating myself and my weak build. I will start exercising more (by walking) when I get there.

I keep looking back the past couple of weeks and wondering how many times I have actually thought about this moment, right now, that I am in. How many times have I envisioned myself in this position? Countless I believe, but not one time have I ever thought I would feel so... nervous. Life's unpredictable you know, but one thing's for sure. Family will be missed. I keep telling myself that it's only going to be for six months, and then I'll make my way back for a break... think of it as an extended holiday, one where I go learn new things. Don't think it's helping much though.

Six months is a long time, no matter how fast it will pass. I do not like the thoughts that night brings. It's the copious amounts of loneliness and thoughts of what-will-happen and what-has-happened. The regret that creeps up unto you, taking you by a stronghold...

I don't want to think about who will be there to send me off. To be honest, I just want to go alone, if anything. Maybe the second time I fly off, I might allow people; I'm just not used to being the one who leaves. Leaving has always been the job for others in my life... hasn't it ALWAYS? Nobody really gets it. All I know is, this feeling is not the right one for me to wrap myself around it.

And to see all these faces eyeing me as I head into the "next chapter of my life", with no turning back, is it worth it, really, the time I will miss with them? How will my life change without them, and theirs without me? It's easier if you don't see them almost every other week; but for the ones I face every, single, day... I can't. I can't bring myself to let them out of my sight... even if it isn't forever. THEN WHAT ABOUT FOREVER?

Adapting is one thing, surviving is another. I don't know what to expect. But I know that at least I have someone I know. If I had to go this alone, I probably would have backed out a long time ago.

Fuck, I better not bawl tomorrow night - teary eyes are okay. But bawling - you better toughen up and cry all you want now, but NOT THEN, you stupid girl. Intense emotions are better kept to oneself.